November 07, 2013
Circling the Drain
Today I'm swirling around the black pit.
I went out to a doctor appointment yesterday. I sat in my car afterward, recuperating. I ran an errand, then I sat in my car recuperating. Ran one more errand, sat in my car some more to rest. These small efforts at interacting with people were exhausting. A doctor appointment and two quick errands took me 4.5 hours.
I noticed, too, that everything I did yesterday was slow.
I am known in my family for my speedy driving habits. I meticulously keep my speed to nine miles above the speed limit, because someone once told me I wouldn't be pulled over unless I went ten miles over the speed limit.
Dear God, I found myself driving 45 in a 55 mph zone and 50 in a 65 mph zone. I am surely sick.
I'm even walking slowly. More like a shuffle.
And today I started New-Medicine-Number-2.
You have no idea how demoralizing this is.
Starting New-Medicine-Number-2 just means that New-Medicine-Number-1 didn't help. It took almost a month to decide that New-Medicine-Number-1 hasn't helped. That's because of the nature of these medications.
These meds attempt to change brain chemistry. That can't just be accomplished by taking the pill for a few days. It can take weeks for the medication to get into the brain and then to build up to therapeutic levels.
Apparently, New-Medicine-Number-1 has had a sufficient trial of four weeks, so it's time to move on.
Imagine if you were subject to physical pain and had to wait four weeks just to see if a new medicine would help. Then another four weeks for the second new medicine.
I have already been off of work for a month. I feel my new career as a Peer Specialist slipping away. I hope that's just my illness causing me to think that way, and that I can return to this job. After all, this job is why I left my high-paying IT job to work in low-paying social services.
Now, I have to wait for New-Medicine-Number-2. To see if it will work, or not. In the meantime, my caseload at work waits. God bless my clients. I can only hope that this latest episode of depressive disorder will help me to understand my clients' illnesses even better.
But, my God, this sure gets old.