November 07, 2013

Circling the Drain

Today I'm swirling around the black pit. 

I went out to a doctor appointment yesterday.  I sat in my car afterward, recuperating.  I ran an errand, then I sat in my car recuperating.  Ran one more errand, sat in my car some more to rest.  These small efforts at interacting with people were exhausting.  A doctor appointment and two quick errands took me 4.5 hours.

I noticed, too, that everything I did yesterday was slow. 

I am known in my family for my speedy driving habits.  I meticulously keep my speed to nine miles above the speed limit, because someone once told me I wouldn't be pulled over unless I went ten miles over the speed limit.

Dear God, I found myself driving 45 in a 55 mph zone and 50 in a 65 mph zone.  I am surely sick.

I'm even walking slowly.  More like a shuffle.

And today I started New-Medicine-Number-2.

You have no idea how demoralizing this is. 

Starting New-Medicine-Number-2 just means that New-Medicine-Number-1 didn't help.  It took almost a month to decide that New-Medicine-Number-1 hasn't helped.  That's because of the nature of these medications. 

These meds attempt to change brain chemistry.  That can't just be accomplished by taking the pill for a few days.  It can take weeks for the medication to get into the brain and then to build up to therapeutic levels. 

Apparently, New-Medicine-Number-1 has had a sufficient trial of four weeks, so it's time to move on.

Imagine if you were subject to physical pain and had to wait four weeks just to see if a new medicine would help.  Then another four weeks for the second new medicine. 

I have already been off of work for a month.  I feel my new career as a Peer Specialist slipping away.  I hope that's just my illness causing me to think that way, and that I can return to this job.  After all, this job is why I left my high-paying IT job to work in low-paying social services.

Now, I have to wait for New-Medicine-Number-2.  To see if it will work, or not.  In the meantime, my caseload at work waits.  God bless my clients.  I can only hope that this latest episode of depressive disorder will help me to understand my clients' illnesses even better.

But, my God, this sure gets old.


  1. {{{{{hugs}}}}} and <3 I can't take the pain away or the disappointment that the first drug did not work. If I could I would. I can be here for you if you need anything and if it helps , to let you know I understand the frustration you are going thru. I could give you all the cliché's that people use, but I won't because they don't help, as a matter of fact, I feel that sometimes they even make it worse. I can, however, say that you are not alone (I know it doesn't feel that way) and you have many, many of us out here who are there for you and support you. You are an amazing woman Pam and a very strong soul! I am honored to know you

    1. Thank you, thank you. Just to know a person I actually know understands what's going on is a help. Thank you for your kind words, Beth.

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